Not Everyone Gets to be a Mother
by HATBC
Summary: There were Mother’s Day decorations, gifts, and cards every way she turned. It was like a knife stabbing her in the heart, constantly reminding her that she would never get to experience a Mother’s Day with children of her own.


**Not Everyone Gets to be a Mother **

_Summary: It was all too happy for her. There were Mother's Day decorations, gifts, and cards every way she turned. It was like a knife stabbing her in the heart, constantly reminding her that she would never get to experience a Mother's Day with children of her own._

_Rating: K+_

_Disclaimer: I do not own JAG or anything else mentioned._

_I don't know why, but this idea just came to me yesterday morning. _

_Please forgive the typos! _

= = =  
Target  
Alexandria, VA  
10 May 2009

With tears in her eyes, she quickly walked up and down the aisles of the store wanting to get what she needed and get out of there. It was all too happy for her. There were Mother's Day decorations, gifts, and cards every way she turned. It was like a knife stabbing her in the heart, constantly reminding her that she would never get to experience a Mother's Day with children of her own. After an unwanted, but extremely necessary operation six months prior, her dreams of having children were taken away from her.

No matter how often she tried to avoid the aisles and aisles of baby products, she always found herself there. She wouldn't be able to say how she wound up there, though. It was like she was in auto-pilot mode – going there before she could process her thoughts. Dejectedly, she picked up a O___nesie_and traced her fingers over the letters spelling out the phrase "I Love My Mommy".

She shook her head and silently cursed herself for managing to go to that aisle. "_It'll only make things harder,_" she told herself. There were a few more things she needed to buy – ink for the printer, Post-It notes, and pens for the office, but for the first time in her life she felt claustrophobic—like all the baby p___araphernalia_ was suffocating her and she had to get out of the store. She quickly pulled her Blackberry out of her purse and sent a text message to her husband telling him she was getting in line. He replied with "Ok. I'll meet you there. Love, H."

Mac bit her tongue. Lately, Harm had been telling more and more how much he loved her. Somewhere, in the back mind, she wondered which one of them he was trying to convince. She knew that Harm loves her, but one of her biggest fears was "What if he decides he wants biological children and leaves me?"

By the time Harm made it to the front of the store, his wife was almost finished checking out. He helped her by finishing putting the flower pots and bags of potting soil on the conveyor belt and went to stand next to Mac.

"Thanks."

He shrugged, "Don't worry about it."

After paying the cashier, the young woman gave Mac her change and handed her the receipt. "Happy Mother's Day!" she exclaimed cheerfully.

Mac's mouth dropped open, and she was about to call the woman out on _assuming_ she was a mother. But Harm firmly placed his hand against the small of her back, and Mac paused to begin to ponder the statement. How could the woman just assume something like that? There were no children with her, and nothing they purchased even remotely suggested they had kids. Mac grew more offended when she wondered if she looked old enough to have older children_. Is this how Jewish people feel when holiday greeters constantly wish them a Merry Christmas? Is this how singles feel on Valentine's Day? _She wondered.

She decided not to call the cashier out on her comment, but Mac still couldn't summon up enough inner strength to smile and politely say "thank you". Instead, Harm was the one who came to her rescue like he always did. He nodded politely at the woman behind the register and said, "Have a nice day."

"It's not fair, Harm!" Mac exclaimed angrily has they exited the store. "How could she just _assume_ we have children? Not everyone gets to be a mother!"

Harm hit the unlock button on the remote starter for the SUV and opened the trunk. "She shouldn't have assumed anything, Mac, but she didn't mean any harm by it."

"Oh," she scoffed. "So, now you are defending her?!"

"No!" He took a bag and put it in the SUV, "I am _not_ defending her at all. I was just making a statement. She should be more sensitive. She doesn't know the story behind every woman who walks in that store."

Mac nodded sadly.

Harm handed her the keys. "Here, take these. I'll go put the buggy back and meet you in the car."

After returning the buggy, Harm was about to return to the car when he heard a bag rip, spilling its contents in the packing lot, and a woman mumble under her breath. When he turned around, he saw a woman holding a toddler, a diaper bag, her purse and another grocery bag while she tried to pick up the items that fell.

"Let me help you with that," Harm said as he bent down to pick up the cans of soup.

"Oh, thank you so much!" She exclaimed gratefully.

One minute and thirteen seconds went by, and Harm still didn't return from putting the shopping cart back. Mac shifted in her seat so she could turn around and see where he was. Her expression froze when she saw the child laugh as Harm spoke to him. She slowly turned back around and stared straight ahead.

"How much longer?" Mac asked when Harm returned to the SUV.

"Huh?" Harm asked, clearly confused, as he started the car and backed out of the parking place.

"How much longer until you decide you want _that_ and leave me?"

It only took him a second to realize that Mac saw him help the woman with the toddler pick up her groceries. "Never!" He exclaimed, appalled that his wife, the woman he loves more than life itself, would even think such a thing. "I love you so much, Mac. I'd never leave you. We're in this together, remember? I promised you that, and you know I don't make promises I can't keep."

She turned to face him, anger boiling inside. "So is that the reason why you won't leave me - because you _promised_?"

Frustrated, he ran his hand over his face. "Just because we can't have biological children doesn't mean I love you any less."

"You say that now, but will you still feel this way next year? What about five years from now?"

"Of course I will. I. Love. You."

"That's what you say now, but people change, Harm."

Harm didn't know what to say; ever since Mac's operation, their relationship has been strained. He didn't know how to talk to her anymore. She'd always be angry with him or he would say something that made her cry, why she cried was beyond him, but then she wouldn't speak to him. "I don't know how I can make you believe me, Mac."

Mac crossed her arms and didn't comment further.

Harm felt a twinge of guilt in the pit of his stomach. He was now stuck between a rock and a hard place. Both Mattie and Chloe called him two weeks ago to say that they had time off from school, and they were going to come and visit on Mother's Day. They wanted to know if it would be okay for them to surprise Mac with a little party. They knew Mac was having a hard time coping, and they wanted to show her that they thought of her as a mother. Harm thought it was a very sweet idea and maybe what Mac needed. However, now he wasn't so sure. Mac already had numerous mood swings that morning and he didn't know how she would react to the surprise. Chloe and Mattie practically begged him not to tell Mac about it, but he also didn't want their feelings to be hurt if Mac didn't react the way they hoped.

He sighed, "Mac, I probably shouldn't tell you this since it's supposed to be a surprise, but I think I need to."

"What?"

"Right now, Chloe and Mattie are at our house preparing a little celebration for you. They wanted to show you how much they love you and think of you as a mother."

"Oh, it's some kind of pity party? Poor Mac can't have kids, so let's try to make her feel better about it."

"Come on, Mac. You and I both know they have good intentions. They admire you and look up to you."

It began raining and Mac focused all her attention out the window. She soon began to trace the path of a raindrop on the window with her finger.

Several minutes later the car came to a stop at a red light, and Harm reached over to hold Mac's hand. In all honesty, he was a bit shocked that she didn't flinch or try to pull away. Instead, she wrapped her fingers tightly around his hand. "I'm sorry," she said as she wiped her tears away with her free hand. "My behavior these past few months and especially today was unacceptable."

He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "I understand, and once didn't you say "never apologize, it's a sign of weakness"?" He asked with a half-smile.

She chuckled, "Yeah, I think I did. I want to take that back. Apologizing isn't a sign of weakness." She paused for a moment before she continued, "The fact that I know you'd be a remarkable father and I can't give you children tears me to pieces."

Harm was so glad that Mac finally decided to open up to him. "It kills me to know that you're upset and hurting, especially when you won't talk to me about. At least if you talked to me, I could try to make it better." He wished that they weren't having this conversation while they were driving in the car, because Mac look so sad, so fragile and all he wanted to do was to wrap his arms around her and never let go.

"You can't always make everything better, Harm."

"I know that, but I can try."

"Today is harder than I thought it would be. I can't treat it as just another day, when I constantly things that remind me we'll never have children of our own. Don't…don't you ever feel that way?"

"Sometimes, yes," he answered honestly. "There are times when I go to pick the twins up from daycare for Bud and Harriet and I see all those little kids playing. I can't help but to wonder what our kids would have looked like. Would we have had a son with your looks and my brains, or a daughter with my looks and your brains? I always pictured us with a little girl who looked just like you."

"Funny, because I always pictured us with a little boy who would have _you_ looks. I think about those things, too, Harm. I didn't know that you did."

"If you would have asked me, I would have told you."

"Why didn't it bring up first?"

"I didn't want to upset you."

"We need to work on our communication skills, Captain."

"Yeah, we do."

Mac realized they were a few blocks from home and she wiped her eyes again. "Can we not talk about this anymore?"

Harm gripped his fingers around the steering wheel a little bit tighter. He thought they were making progress--- a step in the right direction. He hoped this would be the first step to getting their marriage back on track, but it now appeared that Mac was shutting him out again. "Okay," he answered, but it sounded more like a question.

Mac picked up on the tone in his voice. "Oh, no! Not permanently! I just don't want to be a mess when we get home! You're right, Chloe and Mattie put a lot of thought into this, and I don't want to ruin it for them."

He let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness! I guess this means we're in recess, right?"

For the first time in months, Harm saw a real smile on Mac's face. "Yes, Counselor."

When they pulled in the driveway, the front door flew open and Mattie and Chloe ran out. "Hi, Mac!"

Mac acted surprised and quickly got out of the car and ran over to them. "Hi, girls!" She exclaimed as she gave them both a hug. " What are you doing here? This is such a lovely surprise!"

"Well, I had a few days off from school and I planned on coming out to visit. Then, I called Mattie and told her about it, and she said she was off from school, too. So, she decided to come with me…and…here we are!"

"We were going to have a little party waiting for you, but we had a change of plans," Mattie said as they went inside.

"First, we got you these," Chloe handed her a bouquet of pastel roses.

"They're beautiful. Roses are my favorite! How did you know?" Mac asked as she went to get a vase out of the cupboard.

Chloe looked up and smiled when she saw Harm leaning against the doorframe. "I called Harm and asked."

"I still don't know why you had to do that," Mattie said. "I mean they met in a _rose_ garden."

"So, are you saying if they met in a vegetable garden we should have bought a zucchini instead?"

"Look at that, Mac. She sounds like a lawyer already," Harm said.

Mac laughed, and it was music to Harm's ears. "You better watch out, Harm. You two will be going up against each other at JAG before you know it."

"And, this is the second part of your gift," Mattie reached for the envelope from her purse and handed it to Mac.

"What is this?"

Mattie shrugged. "Open it and find out."

Mac opened the card. "A gift certificate to the spa?"

"Yep. If it's okay with you, we were hoping the three of us could go today," Chloe said.

"Yeah, of course it's okay. When do you want to go?"

"Whenever you're ready. If we go soon, it won't be too crowded."

"I'm ready if you are."

"Then let's go."

Mac and the girls began to exit the kitchen. As Mac passed Harm, she stood up on her tip-toes and placed a kiss on his lips. "We'll be back later. I love you."

Harm couldn't stop the grin from spreading across his face. This was the first time in a long time that Mac initiated a kiss, and he couldn't even remember the last time she said she loved him. He thought it was probably right before she went into surgery. "I love you, too."

Later that night…

"Harm, I'm home," Mac called as she entered the house. "Where are you?"

"In the kitchen!" he called.

"Hey," she said when she entered the kitchen.

"You look happy," Harm commented. Mac was glowing, in his eyes, and she had a smile on her face.

"Thanks! I feel great…much more relaxed."

He smiled. "I'm glad. Are Mattie and Chloe with you?"

"No, they went shopping and they might catch that new movie with whoever Zac Efron guy is. I was invited to go along, but I would much rather be here with you."

"I'm glad you feel that way, Mac. Oh, while you were out, I had too much time on my hands so I made some tiramisu. Would you like to try some?"

"Of course I would! Since when did you make tiramisu?"

"Grams used to make it all the time. It was my favorite dessert. Would you like yours now or later?"

"Now, please. I want to go upstairs and change into my pajamas first. I'll be right back."

Mac quickly went upstairs to change and retrieve some very important papers from her nightstand drawer. She returned to the kitchen to find that Harm was sitting at the table with to plates of dessert. He had his back turned to her, so she took the opportunity to walk up behind him, wrap her arms around his neck, and kiss the side of his cheek. "Do you mind if I share this chair with you?" she whispered against his ear.

Harm pushed the chair away from the table. "Not at all."

"Good." She sat on his lap and for the first few minutes they took turns feeding each other dessert.

Harm chuckled when the spoon missed Mac's mouth and a little bit of frosting landed just below her lip. He kissed it away and Mac pressed her forehead against his, taking in that familiar scent of him…the smell she's missed so much.

"I realized a few things when I was out with Chloe and Mattie today," she started.

"Want to enlighten me?"

"Yes. I realized that Mattie and Chloe share things with me. We talked about school, work, boyfriends…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up a second. I don't mean to interrupt, but which one of them has a boyfriend?"

Mac bit back a smile. "Both of them."

His eyebrows arched. "Why wasn't I informed of this?"

"Because they knew you'd overreact."

"What? I wouldn't overreact!"

"Yes, you would."

He shook his head. "I'll have to talk to them about that later. Anyways, like you were saying…"

"Well, I learned today that I don't have to give birth to a child to be a mom. I could love another child as our own. Mattie isn't your biological daughter, but you love her as if she was."

"Yes, I do. Very much so, and Chloe too for that matter."

"I know. And I realized that I always felt that way, too." She reached behind them for the folder she brought down. "I'm ready to look over those adoption papers you brought home a few months ago."

"You are?"

"Yes, it took me long enough, but I am finally ready."

Harm went to open the folder at the same time Mac did. When their hands touched she felt _that _spark, the one that caused her to feel so many emotions and forget about everyone else in the world.

Mac leaned in closer to him. "You know, I've _really_ missed my husband," she whispered against his lips.

Harm ran his fingers through Mac's dark, silky, medium length hair, "And I've _really, really _ missed my wife."

"We'll have to do something about that, huh?"

"Those papers have waited this long, can't they wait just a bit longer?"

"Mmhm." She nibbled at his ear.

Harm returned the gesture. "Why…don't…we…bring…this…upstairs?"

"I…like… the..way…you…think." She said in between kisses.

They pushed the chair back and attempted to walk about the steps backwards. "Ow!" Mac exclaimed as she hit he arm against the railing.

"Wouldn't this work better if I carried you up the stairs?"

She giggled, "Yes, I suppose it would. You know, Harm," she started as he picked her up. "I love you so much, even if I was a witch this whole time. I'm glad you put up with me."

"I love you such much, Mac. I need you like an airplane needs jet fuel!" He grinned.

Mac laughed. "Well, thanks…I think! But that isn't a very flattering analogy."

"Hey, who do I look like? Shakespeare?"

"No," she giggled. "You look much better than Shakespeare!"

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End  
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